Miriam Swallow Adler writes about OCD groinal response, intrusive sexual thoughts about family, and the shame that made it difficult to ask for help.
Content note: This personal essay includes explicit language, intrusive sexual and violent thoughts, and accounts of emotional abuse.
When OCD groinal response became part of my life
‘You love your daddy’s cock and balls; you love his cock and balls.’ I remember scrambling to type this down in my phone notes when I heard her say it. I knew that if I confronted my mum about it later, she would deny ever having said it — and I needed proof. Otherwise, I’d start to doubt myself. I knew that I did that, and often.
It was already years after my dad and I had moved out, and she was always accusing me of having him wrapped around my little finger. She said that I was a daddy’s girl. She called up the social worker at my school and said that he was ‘pimping me out,’ she said that I wanted him all to myself.
OCD and a family falling apart
That was all pretty horrid, but when you take that and whisk in some OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) it becomes all the more scary. I’ve had intrusive thoughts since I was a kid.
For example, walking downstairs, I’ve always pictured slipping and breaking my teeth. Crossing roads always involved flashing images of being mowed down. These were just minor annoyances, though, and I always figured they were normal. I had always had an active imagination.
The first time it became consistently distressing was when I was in high school. I started having recurring images of crows, or ravens — I don’t know, I’m not an ornithologist, whatever — pecking and picking at the nerves and veins in my forearms.
These OCD body sensations were accompanied by itchiness and the sense that I could feel the blood running from my elbows to my wrists and I ended up scratching my forearms with my nails a lot. It was a stressful time. My family was falling apart, and I had invested all my self-worth into being a good student, which meant that I was constantly anxious about homework. I cried a lot.
This was around that time that I remember being called into the social worker’s office with my dad — she asked me straight up if he was sexually abusing me. My mum had called her and ‘expressed some concern.’ I started laughing uncontrollably.
The idea was utterly absurd! My mum was drinking heaps and just desperate to drive my dad and me apart. I was stunned she had stooped so low, but still — I found it almost funny.
The social worker was reassured and asked if she could help us — my dad wasn’t used to being a single dad. He didn’t really know how to cook or how to deal with a teenage girl and her usual teenage girl problems. But we were on our own.
My dad and I became close by necessity. We talked all about sex, about intimacy, and love. I understand many people may find that weird, but I didn’t feel like I had my mum anymore — otherwise, I swear I wouldn’t have been asking my dad to buy me tampons and discussing my crushes with him. I mean, that shit was seriously above his pay grade. Still, I needed a role model — and there weren’t many strong female leads in the films I was watching at the time.
The intrusive thoughts were getting worse
So that’s how we lived, I guess. How we survived, even. Without my mum. Fast forward to my first year of university. That was when my OCD sexual intrusive thoughts about family members started reappearing.
I started seeing these sexually intrusive images again, except this time they were really sweet, and lovely, and pretty.
Just fucking with you; they were gory as hell.
My mind was like a B-movie horror show, with films like ‘Fork, meet eyeball II’ and ‘nail clippers VS nipples’ or ‘Being suffocated by a hag in your sleep.’
I would lie awake at night, just hugging my boobs in case someone was coming to snip them off. Then I’d start worrying about being choked, so I’d have to hunker down in my bed and cover my neck, like some kind of nightmare-prone burrito. Unfortunately, those intrusives are by far some of the least damaging, least disturbing things I have had come to mind.
‘Do you have sex with your daddy?! Does he screw you?! You love your daddy, don’t you?!’
This is just one of the things my mum has said that suggests there’s this whole incest conspiracy thing going on. That my sexual thoughts about family were real. That it wasn't all in my head.
That I stole her husband from her, took him away with me. That I fuck my dad. That I love his cock and balls. Safe to say, I have never had sex with my dad — and I don’t want to. Or at least I don’t think I do.
Intrusive sexual thoughts about family
Funny thing about living with OCD intrusive thoughts. It often latches on to the things you fear the most.
For me, that’s physical pain — and the idea that my mum is right. That I am to blame for what happened to our family. That she’s right about me…wanting my dad, in that way. OCD sexual thoughts are fucking terrifying. I love my dad.
But what if I love him too much? What if we’re…too close?
When the fear became physical
OCD is a brilliant trickster and can make the most rational people believe the wildest things. Plus, it doesn’t only deal in thoughts — but also images, feelings, and sensations. Yeah. I didn’t know that either. Not one medical professional had ever bothered to tell me that. So I had this secret.
It made me feel disgusting. It made me feel horrible. It made me feel as if I had to distance myself from my dad, who is my rock, one of my very best friends. This fucking secret. ‘You love your daddy’s cock and balls; you love his cock and balls.’
It’s hard to write down, even now… So, when I talked to my dad, or thought about him a lot, or hugged him, I would get this feeling, like…down there.
You know the feeling. It was super distressing. I felt so gross. Being close to him was hard. My head was all ‘You little slut! Your mum was right all along. You’re so disgusting. You want to fuck your dad. AAaaaaAAaaAAAaaaaargh.’
Although I wasn’t fantasizing about it, there were these feelings, these physical sensations. I didn’t want to talk about intimacy or relationships with him as I had before. I felt dirty. And it just wouldn’t go away.
I figured it had been somehow triggered by what my mum had said, but I still blamed myself, and thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I didn’t tell my friends, I didn’t tell my therapist, I didn’t tell anyone, and I felt further from my dad than I probably ever had.
Learning about OCD groinal response
I was so ashamed until I was browsing Facebook one day and saw a Tumblr re-post about ‘groinal responses.’
That fucking feeling! The horn! The ‘nng’ you get in your vag, or the stirring of a boner rising (?) (can you tell that I don’t have a penis?)
My only response to the discovery of this new-found knowledge about OCD groinal response was ‘Why the fuck was I never given a leaflet about this?!’ — so many people have intrusive sexual thoughts, or intrusive sexual thoughts about family, thoughts which make them feel ashamed, dirty, and disgusting, often causing them to isolate themselves.
Even when I finally reached out to a therapist to talk about sexual OCD and groinal response, I was told virtually nothing. They only wanted to focus on my OCD, which I had already worked on for years. And when I asked them how to stop groinal response, they simply said to try cognitive behavioral therapy!
If I had known about OCD groinal responses sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with months of self-doubt, self-loathing, and hurt. Maybe I wouldn’t have purposefully distanced myself from one of the most important people in my life. I just needed to hear about…groinal responses.
Now, this is a terrifying secret to share — and on the Internet, of all places! — but it’s what URevolution is about. It shouldn’t be this scary to seek guidance and help. I shouldn’t have to rely on Tumblr for medical advice this crucial to my mental health.
Editor’s note: understanding groinal response in OCD
“Groinal response” describes sensations in the genital area, such as tingling, warmth or feelings of arousal, that can become a focus of OCD-related fear. A physical response alone cannot establish what someone wants or intends. Repeatedly checking what a sensation “means” can become part of the OCD cycle.
The OCD & Anxiety Center of Minnesota explains this pattern: attention and anxiety can make bodily sensations feel especially significant. Trying to settle their meaning through repeated monitoring or mental analysis can keep the doubt going.
Intrusive thoughts can involve family members
The International OCD Foundation describes sexual obsessions involving relatives, among other themes. These are unwanted thoughts that can cause considerable distress. Miriam’s account describes her experience; it cannot diagnose another person or explain every genital sensation.
Getting support without feeding repeated checking
Learning about a symptom and asking for care can be useful. Repeatedly searching, checking your body or asking someone to guarantee what a sensation means can become compulsions. The International OCD Foundation distinguishes compulsive reassurance-seeking from compassionate support. That distinction does not mean someone should face distress alone.
Miriam’s frustration with the advice she received is part of her story. For readers seeking care now, exposure and response prevention (ERP) is a specific form of cognitive behavioral therapy used to treat OCD. It involves working with a trained clinician to approach triggers while reducing compulsive responses. The aim is to change the response to uncertainty, rather than repeatedly test the body for proof.
If these experiences are disrupting your life, ask a qualified clinician about assessment and experience treating OCD, including sexual obsessions. This essay provides personal experience and general information, not individual medical advice.
