Ehlers-Danlos sex: an awkward conversation about masturbating

One day, we were having a chat and ended up talking about our meds, their various side effects, as well as EDS and sex. I had all but lost my sex drive since starting on my antidepressants, and my new painkillers were the nail in the proverbial coffin.

No big deal. My housemates were probably relieved that they didn’t have to put up with the noise anymore.

I’M KIDDING!

When I did have sex, it was usually ‘meh.

I knew she had gone through something similar with her meds. Losing your sex drive is an especially annoying side-effect since doctors don’t seem to care about it. The most attention I’ve received from a medical professional is a shrug, which is funny since that’s my go-to reaction to any sexual advance.

My friend had a slightly different problem. She hadn’t had a girlfriend in a while and was pretty okay with that. She didn’t have much sex drive, and wasn’t interested in casual sex or masturbating.

Until one day that all changed. Switching your meds is always a gamble, but sometimes…unpredictable things happen. So she changed her antidepressants and all of a sudden she was horny. All of a sudden she was thinking about EDS and sex.

Very horny.

Sex and The City horny!

Hump a pillow, ask Santa for an electric toothbrush, take up horseriding horny.

She was also disabled and totally broke.

So she did things the old-fashioned way.

‘What’s so special about that?’ you might ask.

Well, EDS (type III) is a connective tissue disorder that often results in easy dislocations and subluxations, bruising, widespread pain, and chronic fatigue. Needless to say, not great in combination with furiously rubbing one out.

EDS and sex alone

‘I think I might have broken my hand. Can’t type. Call me.’

I felt so sorry for her, but I was also secretly laughing on the inside. And on the outside. And I was feeling very bad about it, but sometimes all you can do is find the funny in these situations.

She had hurt her wrist (badly) and dislocated the joints in a couple of her fingers. She couldn’t type, she could hardly move her arm and she was struggling to hold a cup of tea.

I felt for her but you have to admit — it was a hilarious situation. And the worst thing? She was still horny as hell.

Right, I said, don’t worry. I’ve got a spare vibrator around here somewhere, I’ll wipe it off and it’s yours. Sharing is caring, right? So I sterilized this vibrator (don’t worry, I did more than just wipe it off) and got some supplies together.

Five assorted herbal teabags, three scented candles, a cute notebook, a crystal, a piece of vegan fudge, and a bright pink vibrator.

Batteries included, of course — what kind of friend would I be if I made her go out to get batteries?! No, I am not that cruel. I am the kind of friend who sends her friend a vibrator first-class through the post office because I care.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. It’s a phrase I had heard many times over. And yet, until this incident I had never known its true meaning. Friendship is about turning up! Friendship is about being able to talk about everything from EDS and sex to masturbation.

And sometimes, just sometimes, it involves sex toys, the Royal Mail, and a parcel going bzz…bzz…bzz