Guinevere Silva writes about pleasure, childhood trauma and the frightening moment an intimate encounter became entangled with psychosis.
Editor’s note: This is one person’s account of sexual hallucinations and schizophrenia. References to aliens describe her experience during psychosis, not independently verified events. Her disclosure of childhood sexual abuse is separate and should not be dismissed because she also describes hallucinations.
An intimate moment, interrupted
“I am being raped by aliens on a spaceship!”
Under what context would this be an appropriate thing to say, you wonder?
Maybe during an improv show?
Maybe to give your friend a prank fright?
Maybe because you’re on some type of drug like LSD. Yeah.
That is probably the most plausible answer.
But guess what!
I totally did not say this on LSD or with friends, or on an improv show.
I don’t even do improv, and I’ve only done acid… never (Okay, maybe like one time).
I said (no, sorry), screamed this during… an orgasm.
A really good one.
I looked at my tall white ceiling.
We were in my bedroom, on my pastel pink cotton sheets from Target.
I stared at his gorgeous dreads and face.
He was just so… fine.
A dreamy, tall, smooth Black 6-foot-something man with thick, long dreads that complemented his slim face and slim body.
He serenaded me with his beautiful voice on my guitar right before this.
And oh, his voice, how it caressed my ears.
He wore artsy shirts with paisley designs.
Yeah.
That’s my kind of thing.
And he could fuck.
I mean, really do it.
We were like two puzzle pieces joined together.
Our bodies were perfect for each other. I came with just penetration (some women can do that. I am lucky in that sense).
He complemented every angle on my body, in the ways you know exactly how I mean.
When pleasure and hallucinations overlap
But you see, when you have a psychotic disorder (like me), you tend to misinterpret reality for um, let’s say, different things when you have really strong emotions.
Neurotypical people might scream, “YES BABY, MORE MORE!” which I sometimes do too.
Or they might say I love you.
Stuff like that.
Having schizophrenia, sometimes I have sexual hallucinations.
I see sparks and flowers right after good sex. I hear little pretty fairies talking to me whispering in my ear, giggling about the hot guy that just fucked me. They make me sing, because I hear music. So I do.
Those are the fun anecdotes. But it also gets really dark. And sorry to move in the storm clouds, but it needs to rain a little more ways than one here.
Trauma, fear and a partner’s response
I was raped as a child, and to my body, it can seem like I am being raped over and over again with the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I often deal with.
So my psychosis and my PTSD combine into one giant dissociative, dreamy yet terrifying reality of… you guessed it. Being raped by aliens.
He stops and holds me.
“Sarah, do you think there is a possibility that this is not real?”
“No, but the aliens, see, the aliens!
They’re there. They’re here right now. I think I’ve been on this spaceship before. They’re the blonde ones this time. And they used to visit me when I was a child. They worked for the US government. They are with me now!”
“Shhhh, Sarah, you’re fine. It’s okay.”
He strokes my hair and face until I calm down.
It takes me about ten minutes, but I calm down. Then I say,
“What the fuck just happened. Was I just talking about being kidnapped by aliens. Being raped by aliens?”
“Yep,” he says. “It’s okay.”
He moves me to the bathroom and we shower together. “Let’s do this again.”
He brings my guitar into the bathroom and we are naked together as he serenades me some more under the warm moisture of the foggy bathroom mirrors.
After, I feel comforted, and we forget about it.
I learn one thing about myself during this experience.
I choose some damn good partners to have alien sex with.
And if you need to scream about that, you better find someone to hold you and respect that too.
Being raped by aliens, sexual hallucinations in schizophrenia are as real as it gets.
Sexual hallucinations: some context
Editorial context from URevolution: The essay above describes the author’s experience. It does not describe everyone with schizophrenia, establish what caused her symptoms, or provide a treatment plan.
Sexual hallucinations can involve sensations of touch, sexual sounds or images, and other perceptions with sexual content. They can occur in schizophrenia-spectrum disorders, but they also occur in other clinical contexts, including epilepsy and sleep-related experiences. A 2024 systematic review by Blom and colleagues examined 79 studies describing 390 people. The varied clinical samples do not establish how common these experiences are in the general population.
A small 2018 clinical study found an association between childhood sexual trauma and sexual hallucinations among people with schizophrenia-spectrum disorders. Association does not establish the cause of an individual’s symptoms. The National Institute of Mental Health describes psychosis as having several possible contributing factors and recommends assessment by a qualified professional.
Feeling an experience vividly does not establish that its perceived explanation is accurate. Equally, a diagnosis of psychosis must never be used on its own to dismiss a report of sexual assault. Both a person’s safety and their account deserve careful attention.
The partner’s response in this story is a remembered interaction, not a care protocol. Comfort is individual: ask what the person wants, including whether touch is welcome. Distressing, new or worsening hallucinations warrant professional support.
Finding support
In the United States, RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline offers support for survivors and people who care about them. Call 800-656-4673 or use its online chat. Outside the United States, contact a local sexual assault support service. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
