Medical gaslighting: what is it?
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Medical gaslighting: what is it?
A true story personal story of medical gaslighting
I think I have an eating disorder (thanks to medicalΒ gaslighting by medical professionals only made it worse).
I look over β I probably shouldnβt β and see the psychiatrist whoβs assessing me scrawl down βED???β in big letters. As if that wasnβt enough, she proceeds to circle it once, twice, three times. I guess that means itβs a big deal.
This is my thirdΒ psychiatric assessmentΒ in as many weeks. Iβm trying to get mental health support from theΒ National Health Service, and if I didnβt need help before β I most certainly do now. The assessments, in and of themselves, are traumatic. Every time I open my mouth, I feel as though Iβm losing weeks of recovery. Floating backward in time.
Weβve gotten through the trauma bit; I cycled through the shit in a robotic monotone β mum, alcohol, abuse, fire, illness, the day the dog died, the mess of it all. So now, weβve moved on to sleeping and eating. She might as well ask β βOn a scale of one to ten, how dysfunctional are you?β β (not sure, can I ask the audience or phone a friend?)
I just admitted to her that sometimes I forget to eat for like, three days. That, and I make myself regurgitate meals sometimes. Not often, but still. Itβs a thing I do. I wonder β does disordered eating become an eating disorder? β apparently, in my case, somewhere between throwing up Chinese food in the restaurant toilets and eating nothing but a couple of packets of thai sweet chili crisps over the course of two days. Hmm, I thought that was just a student thing.
βI only do it when I feel too full when Iβve eaten a lot.β I hurry to say.
βDoes that make you feel ashamed?β she says with her eyes.
βI feel too full, like itβs up in my throat. I donβt stick my fingers in or anything; I regurgitate what I can until I feel better. Itβs like Iβve eaten too much, not in a moralistic way, just inβ¦a biological way. You know?β
I suspect she doesnβt know. Itβs at least a six on the dysfunction scale.
Iβve never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder. Iβm not on the cusp of danger β not dangerously thin. According to my BMI (which is a sham, by the way) βΒ I am obese.
Strong-boned, stocky, Rubenesque, plump, short, fat β βobese.β
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I canβt help but think that my weight has something to do with why Iβve never been diagnosed. I have low self-esteem when it comes to my flesh prison; I miss at least 4-5 meals a week (10 if you count breakfast, which you should). Half of the time I eat at a restaurant, I throw up in the toilets afterward because βI feel too full.β My new thing is zero things β Fanta zero, coke zero. I havenβt hit zero food yet. I sort of worry that it might be a matter of time, though.
Medical gaslighting: how all my symptoms are βapparentlyβ caused by βfat.β
Iβve brought this up with my doctor. He knows that I make myself throw up. Yet he and all of the other medical professionals in my life donβt seem too worried. Again, Iβm not thin. Not even close. Still, this is me hurting myself. What else could it be? Well, if The Mediaβ’ is to be believed β this is self-love.
Fat people are allowed to exist in this world if, and only if, they are trying their hardest to get thin. That includes radical methods β unnecessary operations, self-loathing, bands and balloons, and a whole lot of pain. Otherwise, they deserve whatever shitβs coming to themβlazy bastards. Staying fat is hurting yourself.
Unfortunately, my doctors seem to side with Big Brother on this one. Medical professionals constantly pressure meΒ to lose weight. Never mind that I probably have an eating disorder, canβt exercise without injuring myself, and am already a fucking vegan β losing weight will apparently solve all of my problems β including a rare genetic disorder. I call bullshit. I call thisΒ medical gaslighting.
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In fact, the only reason my unbearable chronic pain defied diagnosis for so long is because of medicalΒ fatphobia.
βIβm in excruciating pain,β βI dislocated my wrist β again,β βI hurt all over, and I canβt sleepβ β are all met with the medical mantra of βlose weight, and youβll feel better.β
Of course, I was in pain; Iβm fat. Thatβs what you get when youβre fat.
No, Iβm in pain because I am accumulating soft tissue injuries faster than my body can recover, and you should have figured that out by now, you bastards.
Bastards. How many people are left to writhe in pain, left with worsening illnesses and worsening prognoses, all because someone took a quick look at them and decided that their diagnosis was βfatβ?
Also, just how many fat people have been congratulated for losing weight, when, in fact, that weight loss was a symptom of something awful β an eating disorder, a digestive issue, cancer?
Read more:Β Gaslighting and bipolar disorder have more in common than you think
Medical gaslighting womenβs health: how many of us have to die?
I understand why my doctors donβt care whether or not I have an eating disorder. Itβs twofold. First, Iβm not thin. I am anemic but never mind that. Iβm not thin. I am not wasting away. They conclude that it cannot be urgent. Second, Iβm not thin. Losing weight would be good for me, no matter the psychological, emotional, and yes β physical cost. Itβs basically the only medical advice I get.
Why is my disordered eating not considered a problem? I demand it to be a problem! How far do I have to go for you wankers to worry about me? Whatβs the cut-off point, and is it measured in kilograms?
When will you recognize my self-loathing as a pressing psychological symptom and stop assuming that it just comes with the territory? Why is it considered normal for fat girls to hate themselves? Why are every crash diet, missed meal, and coke zero not met with suspicion and alarm?!
Society, get your shit together. Enough with the medical gaslighting of womenβs health.
Friends, donβt congratulate your mates when they lose weight; ask them how theyβre doing. The answer may surprise you.

Miriam Swallow Adler
Miriam Swallow Adler is a tired young person who writes, sings, and illustrates things while moonlighting as an Oxford University student.
Caption:
Losing weight would be good for me, no matter the psychological, emotional, and yes β physical cost. Itβs basically the only medical advice I get thanks to medical gaslighting.