How to support a partner with vaginismus

My journey with vaginismus and the impact it had on my sexual intimacy was a difficult and painful experience. It was a struggle that not only affected me physically but also emotionally and psychologically. I understand the fear that can arise when faced with the task of sharing this condition with a partner. The uncertainty of not knowing how to discuss vaginismus with your partner.

Experiencing that fear and uncertainty is why I want to share my story and what helped me talk with my partner. Physical therapy was part of my experience, but here I want to focus on communication, trust and finding intimacy without pressure around penetration.

For partners: Ask what support feels useful to the person with vaginismus. Believe them when something hurts. Make room for closeness that doesn't involve penetration, and let them decide whether they want you involved in appointments or treatment. Different people want different things, so keep checking in.

Vaginismus involves involuntary tightening of muscles around the vaginal opening when penetration is attempted or anticipated. It may make sex, tampon use or an examination painful. The reasons are not always clear, and other conditions can also cause pain with penetration. For symptoms and diagnosis, see our explanation of what vaginismus is. The NHS overview also explains why an assessment can help.

Telling your partner about vaginismus can feel overwhelming, but open and honest communication is key. Choose a comfortable and relaxed environment, ensuring you have enough time to discuss the topic thoroughly. Remember that your partner cares about your well-being and will likely want to support you throughout this journey (if they don't, then you probably need to be having a different conversation). 

Start the conversation by explaining what vaginismus is, its causes, and how it affects you personally. Be prepared for various reactions, as your partner may have limited knowledge about the condition. Encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings (I have included a list of vaginismus FAQs at the bottom of this article for you).

If you want to share a reliable explanation with your partner, that can help them understand the pain without making you responsible for teaching a whole lesson. You can invite them to an appointment or therapy session if their presence would help you. That choice is yours. If you both want to read about care, Erin Moynihan writes about her experience with pelvic floor physical therapy and vaginal dilators.

Vaginismus can strain a relationship. I can attest to this. But I also know that trust and patience can help alleviate the difficulties. Reassure your partner that vaginismus is not a reflection of their desirability or your feelings towards them. Make room to say what you each feel without making penetration the measure of progress. Encourage open dialogue about desires, boundaries, and alternative forms of intimacy that can still strengthen your emotional connection. Building trust takes time, and progress may be slow, but a supportive and understanding partner can make all the difference.

During my journey with vaginismus, my partner and I discovered the immense power and beauty of non-penetrative forms of intimacy. We realized that physical pleasure and emotional connection could be experienced and deepened through a range of activities beyond traditional sexual intercourse.

One of the ways we embraced non-penetrative intimacy was through sensual massage. We created a tranquil and inviting space, dimming the lights and playing soft music. My partner would carefully and tenderly caress my body, using warm oils to enhance the sensations. This allowed us to focus on the power of touch, nurturing both physical and emotional well-being. The slow and deliberate movements helped to relax my muscles and build trust between us. We cherished these moments of vulnerability as they allowed us to connect on a deeper level and reminded us of the love we shared.

Another avenue we explored was oral sex, which provided us with a profound sense of intimacy and pleasure. Through open communication and experimentation, we discovered what worked best for both of us. My partner approached this experience with patience and attentiveness, ensuring that I felt comfortable and in control. 

The intimacy and trust we established in these moments were incredibly empowering and allowed us to explore new dimensions of pleasure together.

In addition to sensual massage and oral sex, we incorporated sex toys into our intimate encounters. These toys not only provided physical stimulation but also became tools for exploration and pleasure. We openly discussed our desires and preferences, allowing us to select toys that catered to our needs. The use of vibrators, dildos, or other sex toys allowed us to experiment and experience pleasure in a way that was both exciting and fulfilling.

Through these non-penetrative activities, we discovered that intimacy extends far beyond traditional notions of sexual intercourse. We learned that pleasure, connection, and love could be found in the gentle touch of a massage, the warmth of oral pleasure, and the exploration of new sensations with sex toys. Each experience deepened our emotional bond and reminded us that the journey toward intimacy is unique for every couple.

It's important to remember that embracing non-penetrative forms of intimacy is a personal journey. What works for one couple may not work for another. The key is open communication, mutual consent, and a willingness to explore and discover what brings pleasure and closeness to your own relationship. By being patient, understanding, and creative, you can cultivate a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection, even in the face of vaginismus.

Read more: Nurturing sexual connections with fibromyalgia

Knowing how to discuss vaginismus with your partner isn't something that comes naturally to most people. It didn't come naturally to me. 

There is no single script for this conversation. Ask what feels comfortable, take a no or a pause seriously, and make space for the kinds of intimacy you both want. If pain continues, a clinician can help explore the cause. The person living with it decides whether to seek treatment and what progress means to them.