What to say to a cancer patient
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What to say to a cancer patient was originally published on FredHutch.org

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What to say to a cancer patient?
Eight tips on what to say to a cancer patient (or not what to say) from Diane Mapes, a breast cancer survivor.
When it comes to clueless cancer comments, patients have heard them all, tumbling out of the mouths of colleagues, strangers and even loved ones like Montezumaβs verbal revenge. Some are universally annoying; others, more individually perturbing.
βBest of luck on your journey!β used to make me want to pull my hair out, even though I was already bald from chemo. I have breast cancer, I wanted to tell the perky people who tossed this at me like bon voyage confetti. Iβm not going on a cruise to Acapulco.
What to say to a cancer patient
Wondering what to say to a cancer patient or what not to say to a cancer patient? Read on for a few basic tips.
What are your odds?Β Questions like this from a loved one are to be expected. But when they come from a virtual stranger β or a date, which is what happened to me β thatβs just plain wrong. βThereβs a very narrow group of people youβre closest to who deserve to have some idea about this so they can help support you,β says Dr. Julie Gralow, a clinical researcher at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and an oncologist at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. βBut for the average friend or more peripheral person, itβs up to the cancer patient to divulge what they want.β Gralow suggests letting the patient lead the conversation, i.e., if you have sensitive questions, keep them to yourself. βThe patient will let you know if they want to share,β she says.
You brought this on yourself.Β Cancer patients do a lot of internal finger-pointing as it is. Was it the weight gain? The stress? That mean thing I said to Toni Anderson back in fourth grade? The last thing we need is additional blame and shame from self-righteous souls who think theyβve cracked the code on our cancer. Iβve had people tell me I βgave myself cancerβ because of one thing or another. Gralow, too, has heard similar memes from her patients. βPeople will make comments like βYou should have exercised moreβ or βYou should have breastfed,ββ she says. βShouldingβ all over cancer patients is never helpful, says Gralow, especially after the fact. Forget the lectures and try listening instead.
I know someone with your type of cancer. They died.Β Iβve had so many people blurt this out after hearing about my diagnosis that itβs almost become a joke. Sure, I get that they may be mourning a loved one and/or trying to demonstrate some commonality. But no soldier at war wants to hear about the casualties. Or about how painful and debilitating everything got before the bitter end (seriously, people, process those details with your non-cancer friends).
βWhen the first thing someone says is βMy mother died of breast cancer,β thatβs just bad,β says Gralow. βBut people donβt always think. Cancer is scary and weβve got to respect that.β When thinking about what to say to a cancer patient instead of immediately blurting out bad news, Gralow suggests thinking about what itβs like being in the cancer patientsβ shoes. Would you want to hear that?
Forget what your doctor says, you should try X, Y or Z.Β Β Juicing and jogging. Meditation andΒ yoga. Coffee enemas and shots of Vitamin K. Sometimes it seems like everybody knows better than the professionals whoβve actually studied your scans and blood work and pathology reports and β hello! β cancer itself. But second-guessing doctors is practically a national pastime. βIβll see a patient and recommend a course of treatment and then some very well-meaning person will say, βMy sister had breast cancer, too, and she got this [treatment].
Ask your doctor about it,ββ says Gralow. The bottom line when thinking aboutΒ what to say to a cancer patientΒ about their treatment is: cancer is complicated and foisting supplements and/or unsolicited advice onto patients undergoing treatment just increases their burden. βA lot of my patients say βI donβt want to take this, but Iβm getting pressured,ββ says Gralow. Her advice? Respect the patient β and their choices.
Nothing.Β Cancer is full of surprises and discovering whoβs really got your back is one of them. Iβve had casual acquaintances come through like gangbusters. And long-term friendships dry up and blow away like so many dead leaves. Yes, cancer is scary and yes, itβs hard to know what to say. But when a loved one responds to βI have cancerβ with silence, that conjures up a special kind of pain. Overwhelmed by a friend or family membersβ diagnosis? Donβt focus on the cancer; focus instead on the person you love and what you can do for them. As Gralow suggests, try to remember βitβs about them; itβs not about you.β
Still flummoxed about what to say to a cancer patient or what not to say to a cancer patient? Here a few of my additional thoughts on what to say to a cancer patient:
Speak from the heart.Β A simple βIβm so sorryβ is a perfectly fine thing to say in response to a new diagnosis (ditto for hugs). Also, nice to hear: I love you; Iβm there for you; I hate this #%&@ disease and Iβm bringing chocolate over right now.
Help with specific tasks.Β Iβll often turn down generic offers of help (itβs hard feeling weak) but when people offer something specific, Iβll relent. Instead of throwing out a catch-all, like βLet me know if I can do anything!β come up with some targeted tasks. Offer to pick their kids up from school. Or drop off dinner every Tuesday and Saturday for the next few weeks. Tell them youβd like to join them for their next chemo session. Or chip in with a few buddies to pay for weekly housecleaning.
Remember, even cancer patients get cancered out.Β Nobody wants to talk about one single aspect of their life 24/7 β not even new moms. Either way, donβt forget to check in with your loved one about other aspects of their life β their work, their relationships, their addiction to βDownton Abbey,β etc. Just because someone is diagnosed with cancer doesnβt mean she stops being the person she was before.

Diane Mapes
Diane Mapes is a staff writer at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. She has written extensively about health issues for NBC News, TODAY, CNN, MSN, Seattle Magazine and other publications.
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Did he just say that?! Yes, I believe he did just say that.