Someone tells you they're anxious. You want to help, so you reach for reassurance. “Calm down.” “It'll be fine.” “Have you tried going for a walk?” The intention may be kind. The effect can be quite different.
You don't need a perfect script. Listen first, ask what would help, and let the person decide whether they want company, practical help or space. Anxiety differs from person to person, so treat the suggestions below as openings for a conversation, not lines that are guaranteed to work. Mind's advice for friends and family recommends patience, asking about the person's experience and respecting their wishes.
Ten things to avoid saying, and what to try instead
1. “Just relax.”
If relaxing were a switch, they'd probably have flipped it already. You can acknowledge what's happening without telling them how quickly to change it: “This sounds hard. Do you want to tell me what's going on?”
2. “Calm down.”
An instruction can sound like you're embarrassed by their distress. “Take your time. I'm here.” Then give them time. Silence is allowed.
3. “Don't worry about it.”
You might think the problem is manageable. Their anxiety is still real. Try “Which part is worrying you most?” Listen to the answer before offering a solution.
4. “It's all in your head.”
Anxiety can have physical symptoms as well as fearful thoughts. The National Institute of Mental Health distinguishes persistent anxiety disorders from everyday worry. You don't need to diagnose what your friend is feeling. “That sounds uncomfortable. What would help right now?” is enough to start.
5. “You're overreacting.”
This asks the person to defend the size of their response while they're already struggling. “I can see this is affecting you. Would you like me to listen or help think through the next step?”
6. “It's not a big deal.”
You may see a small task; they may see a whole chain of things that could go wrong. Ask “What feels difficult about it?” You can discuss the task later, once you understand the worry.
7. “You're too sensitive.”
Calling their response a character flaw shuts down the conversation. “I didn't realise that landed badly. Can you tell me more?” also works when something you said contributed to the problem.
8. “It'll be fine, don't worry.”
You cannot promise an outcome you don't control. Offer something you can actually do: “I can't know how this will turn out, but I can stay with you while we make a plan.” Only promise that if you mean it.
9. “Let me handle it.”
Taking over without asking can make the person feel less in control. “Would it help if I made the call with you, or would you rather do it yourself?” Specific offers are easier to accept or decline than a blanket takeover.
10. “I know what's best for you.”
Even when you know the person well, they know things about their own experience that you don't. “What has helped before? Is there something you'd like me to do differently?”
When a suggestion might help, and when it might not
Breathing exercises, a walk or a distraction can be welcome if the person wants one. “Just breathe” can sound dismissive when it replaces listening; “Would you like to try something that usually helps you?” gives them a choice. Mind includes breathing among possible ways to support someone during a panic attack, while urging supporters to ask what the person needs.
You can also be useful without talking about anxiety at all. Offer to sit with them, send a text later, help arrange an appointment if asked, or keep an ordinary plan they enjoy. The NHS guidance on supporting someone advises listening, avoiding pressure and offering practical help that fits the person.
If you need to pause the conversation, say when you'll be available again. “I want to hear you, and I have to leave in ten minutes. Can I call you this evening?” is clearer than disappearing or rushing them. For more on starting a difficult conversation, read How to Start an Awkward Conversation.
When more help is needed
If anxiety is disrupting everyday life, you can offer to help the person find a qualified professional or make an appointment, without deciding for them. Treatment choices belong with the person and their clinician. For information about anxiety disorders and care, start with the National Institute of Mental Health.
If someone says they may hurt themselves, take it seriously and seek immediate help. In the United States, call or text 988; elsewhere, contact local crisis or emergency services. If there is immediate danger or a possible medical emergency, call local emergency services. The 988 Lifeline has guidance for helping someone else.
You will sometimes say the wrong thing. Apologise, listen to the correction and stay present. That is more useful than trying to memorise ten perfect replies.
Further reading: Poems About Anxiety offers a different kind of recognition.
This article offers general communication guidance and is not a diagnosis or a substitute for individual mental health care.
