Brick by Brick

Content note: Sexual abuse, rape, female genital mutilation and past suicidal thoughts.

My high school years were filled with memoirs written by inspiring women. "Desert Flower" is the story of Waris Dirie surviving female genital mutilation. The "Road of Lost Innocence" by Somaly Mam describes sex trafficking in Cambodia.^[1] Prisoner of Tehran by Marina Nemat was a captivating book about life during Ayatollah Khomeini’s revolution. She recounts being arrested at sixteen years old and then forced to marry a correctional officer called Ali. He repeatedly raped her during their marriage.

My parents believed me when I told them I was sexually abused and the perpetrator admitted it. My story didn’t seem as bad as the stories I read as a child.

At a September 2025 press conference, survivors of Jeffrey Epstein said they were discussing compiling their own list. They were celebrated for being courageous and inspiring. Survivors need to fulfill the role that the media and public are demanding. They should be available to provide details about the abuse they experienced. Additionally, they should be able to move on with their lives in a way society thinks is reasonable. They shouldn’t struggle with promiscuity or addiction because then they can’t be perfect victims.

When Paris Hilton released her memoir in 2023, she made headlines for saying she thought she was asexual before meeting her husband. I spoke with acquaintances about Hilton’s memoir and they had no idea that she had been sexually assaulted or had been to a number of boarding schools. In December 2024, Hilton successfully lobbied to have the "Stop Institutional Child Abuse Act" passed but she is more famous for a sex tape.

She had already been depicted as a sex symbol. If she were also a victim this would put a wrench in the virgin/whore dichotomy that patriarchal society has reinforced for generations.

Society prefers sexual abuse victims to struggle with reclaiming their sexuality by being promiscuous even if they need to struggle with substance abuse during the process.

There have been countless examples in film, books, and other forms of media. There are far fewer examples of victims having an aversion to sex. Victims don’t have rights to their bodies or the variety of emotions that they will undoubtedly experience.

During a visit to Boston while living in Rhode Island, I met a researcher who invited me to an African culture event he was hosting. I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks after the event passed. Just a few weeks before I left Rhode Island, he reached out, saying he wanted to meet up. "You should get some fish and invite me over," he told me unceremoniously. I found this request strange and declined. After I traveled to Oregon the following month, the same researcher called repeatedly. He told me that I had my walls up. I said, "Yes, I have walls, and I also have dragons." I told him I used to be suicidal, so I had no choice but to become self-reliant. I had to provide myself with the patience, empathy, and kindness I sought. I built my fortress brick by brick because I had no choice but to survive. No one protected me. No one to keep me safe. No one else to say, "You are seen."

The researcher said I could get trapped inside if there was a fire. I told him that God and I don’t need to leave. We have everything we need. Many survivors don’t have a choice but to be self-reliant. They don’t have a choice but to have a fortress.

Society has told sexual abuse survivors that we make other people uncomfortable. We have been told we need to move on. "It happened so many years ago, yes it is painful but don’t you want to be normal" or some variation of that is likely what survivors will hear.

Survivors who share their stories of sexual abuse are celebrated for being strong, powerful, and inspiring. No one tells survivors that they should have the strength to be vulnerable with the right people. No one tells survivors it isn’t their job to be an inspiration. No one tells survivors that being powerful and never asking for help is exhausting. Survivors should not have to live up to the standards of a society that has systematically failed them. Society has not educated its citizens about the complexity of emotional reactions to sexual trauma.

Author photograph: supplied to URevolution, used with permission.