Originally released 2020
In Episode 4 of Our Stories, Olivia talks about growing up with family stories of mental illness and the fear that it was “in my blood”. Olivia also talks about relationships, drug use, and finding different ways to get support.
Watch Episode 4 on YouTube · See all episodes of Our Stories
Transcript
This transcript is lightly edited for reading: punctuation added, and “uh” and “um” removed where the meaning is unchanged. Words in [square brackets] are editorial.
My dad really likes to tell stories, especially about, like, family history and stuff like that. I knew about my nana being raised in an orphanage because her mom had a mental breakdown after, shortly after her husband died, and had to be hospitalized.
I knew about my mom and her mother. When she was growing up, [she] suffered greatly from menopause. So essentially, at that time, in the ’60s, like, people didn’t know what to do with women and their menopause, and they just thought that they were going crazy. And some people do actually go off the rails a little bit, as it were, when that happens, because of hormones, and my grandmother was one of them. She also was hospitalized and went through electric shock therapy, got addicted to pills, antipsychotics. So I guess I grew up thinking it was in my blood, and I always feared it.
My first sort of jolt into therapy itself, and how to deal with mental illness, was experiencing my older sister’s anorexia first-hand. We had to go to family therapy because it was on recommendation. It was not fun. I had a very… it left a bad taste in my mouth when it came to therapy, because I thought I was, I was too young to really understand it. I remember the drives home and how awful they were, because we had just let it all hang out in front of somebody, and now we had to, like, take it home with us.
Fast-forward into being a teenager, and myself, and I started getting involved with the wrong people romantically as well. And it got to a point where I had become known for choosing abusive partners. I was in, like, my second year at theatre school, and I was with bad beau numéro 100 or something like that. Not bad, but another bad dude who was far too old for me. A drug dealer, would give me, you know, drugs basically whenever I wanted. I was using far too often, leading this kind of double life, and I was seeing myself fall down this rabbit hole.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I had to get an abortion, because I didn’t want to be with this person, and I, and I knew I couldn’t give this kid the life that I wanted it to, especially with this person being their father. So I got an abortion, and he lost it and revealed to me that he had been hiding a Percocet addiction the entire time we were together. Proceeded to, I guess, detox at my apartment. It was my first apartment out of home. It got so bad that we broke up, and the breakup was ugly and violent, and it got me kicked out of my apartment, and I had to go crawling back to my parents.
I continued with that pattern of bad men, and it wasn’t until I left for Europe with an ex-fiancé and came back — that will tell you how that relationship went — that I realized that I had a problem. I was still really scared about going to therapy, so I saw this ad online for this app. The first person that I spoke to was really helpful, and eventually I couldn’t really afford it anymore, so I stopped doing it.
And then I started realizing that therapy didn’t have to be the only way that I could seek refuge and find answers and clarity in where my head was at, at times. I finally came full circle, and I’m now starting to seek therapy again, and, and how I can manage that on a financial level, now, or that I’m back to a place where I think I can.
And, most importantly, actually taking the time to be by myself, not with a partner, just on my own, to figure out why, why I’ve created this pattern and why I can’t seem to be by myself. I’m starting to get over that, that fear of, of my own mental state, and this kind of fable, myth, history of my bloodlines being at the demise constantly of their own mental health. So I think I’m getting there. One day.
About Our Stories
Our Stories is a 10-part documentary series from URevolution. In each episode, one person talks about their own mental health in their own words. See all episodes, transcripts and support resources.
If you need support, find free helplines in Canada, the US, Australia and elsewhere.
Credits
| Role | Name |
|---|---|
| Director and editor | Kelly Paoli |
| Cinematography | Jonathan Choi |
| Original score | Milen Petzelt-Sorace |
| Executive producers | Brendan McDonald and Corinne Gray |
| Produced by | URevolution |
