Originally released 2020
In Episode 9 of Our Stories, Jess talks about being raped in 2009, the months that followed, and the moment in therapy when what happened was finally named. Jess also talks about living with PTSD and anxiety, and the ways of coping that help.
Watch Episode 9 on YouTube · See all episodes of Our Stories
Transcript
This transcript is lightly edited for reading: punctuation added, and “uh” and “um” removed where the meaning is unchanged. Words in [square brackets] are editorial. To respect his privacy, the name of a friend is replaced with [a friend].
On Canada Day, July 1st, 2009, I was raped at a house party. I liked this guy. I had been on a date with him. He was friends with a lot of my friends, and it started at a friend’s house. We went, had some drinks, went and saw some fireworks. It was going well. We’d been drinking, so we decided to crash at the party.
When everyone went upstairs, we started making out and fooling around, but that’s the extent of what I wanted to do. I think I said no about 50 times before he just did it anyways. I remember not understanding what was happening, and just freezing.
The thing that really bothered me for a long time was, when it was happening, when I froze, the only thing I could think of, in a way to protect myself, was to ask him to wear a condom. So, word for word, I remember saying to him, “If you’re going to do this to me, can you please at least wear a condom?” And he got up, and I remember watching him put this condom on, and it was like watching a monster. I’ve, I’ve never seen a male’s body transform to be so scary and grotesque. And he put the condom on, and I just laid there and let him finish.
He drove me home, and I’ll never forget the pain of going up to my bedroom and crying, and this immense amount of pressure. I could barely breathe. [This] amount of pressure just laid on my chest.
I just went about my day-to-day life, and I couldn’t shake this feeling. Every day I just felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was crying inconsolably. I couldn’t look my parents in the eye.
I didn’t understand until I started dating [a friend], and I told him what had happened, that I didn’t want to have sex with him, that I wasn’t feeling right, and I explained the situation to him. And, and he told me that I need to go see a therapist.
It was in therapy, when I told my story to my therapist, that she looked at me and she said, “Jess, you’ve been date-raped.” And in that moment I was, like, shocked. It was like this wave came over me, and I just completely collapsed. It’s like finally there was a name to the pain that I was feeling and experiencing. Finally I was justified.
Everything that had happened from this experience, my whole life has changed. And I live with really bad anxiety in my day-to-day life. When I’m having an anxiety attack, everything feels like it’s the end of the world. Something small could feel like it could end in catastrophe, when that’s not necessarily the case. And I’ve taught myself, through the years, ways to cope with that, such as telling someone, or breathing exercises. Sometimes I’ll go for a long walk or a run.
The biggest thing I would say that helped me through all of this, in helping me cope with my PTSD and in helping me cope with my anxiety, was travelling. I went on a ski trip with some friends to Whistler, and for the first time in so long, I felt relief and happiness. Travelling taught me so many coping mechanisms. It’s taught me that I’m capable of problem-solving. It’s shown me that things like this aren’t the end of the world, and I’m able to focus in on these, those things now while I’m home, and be like, “Okay, it’s gonna be fine, and you’re completely capable of figuring this out.”
Every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, there’s been a good thing that’s come from it. And although the anxiety sucks, from this horrible situation, I kind of look at it like my superpower. There is this intuition inside of me that detects bad things, or even bad people, and my anxiety will go crazy. It’s happened to me multiple times, and I’ve ignored it multiple times, and I’ve learned not to do that. Because every single time, no matter how crazy the situation, my anxiety has detected it before anything else. So, yeah, I’m kind of a superhero in that sense.
About Our Stories
Our Stories is a 10-part documentary series from URevolution. In each episode, one person talks about their own mental health in their own words. See all episodes, transcripts and support resources.
If you need support, find free helplines in Canada, the US, Australia and elsewhere.
Credits
| Role | Name |
|---|---|
| Director and editor | Kelly Paoli |
| Cinematography | Jonathan Choi |
| Original score | Milen Petzelt-Sorace |
| Executive producers | Brendan McDonald and Corinne Gray |
| Produced by | URevolution |
