Jarred: Your Thoughts Make You Believe Shit

Originally released 2020

In Episode 5 of Our Stories, Jarred talks about anxiety that runs in the family and shows up most in relationships. Jarred describes panic attacks, coping with cannabis, starting therapy, and why talking about it matters.

Watch Episode 5 on YouTube · See all episodes of Our Stories

Transcript

This transcript is lightly edited for reading: punctuation added. Words in [square brackets] are editorial, and [censored] marks words the captions left out.

My whole family has anxiety. My brother was really bad growing up. Like, he wouldn’t go to school and stuff. It was that bad. And I never really thought I had an issue with it, um, until relationships started happening, and I had a pretty shitty relationship. And this, truthfully, this girl just treated me like [censored]. And I always kind of felt like I was doing something wrong.

And then I, I don’t know. I kind of, after we broke up, I kind of just, like, I got into another relationship. I feel like I kind of ruined that second relationship because I brought my anxiety from the first relationship in. So, while I was dating that other girl, which was my last, like, my, my most recent relationship, I guess you could say, I started seeing a therapist, ’cause I was like, “These are, like, not normal thoughts that I’m having.”

Like, I was just constantly wondering if she wanted to be with me when there was no reason for me to think that way. It was just all in my head. Obviously, I would send her a text saying, “Love you,” and she would send me a text saying, “Love you,” and I would think that’s an issue.

I’ve, I’ve never really taken medication for it because I don’t feel like I needed to, but I smoked a ton of weed. Whenever I felt, like, overwhelmed or anxious or, no, I, I wouldn’t say depressed, but unhappy with where I’m at in life, I would just smoke weed, and it would kind of make those feelings go away. And I did that for a little while, like a good maybe year, year and a half. And then I kind of realized, like, that’s not the solution. Like, I kind of got to figure out why I’m not happy by myself and being sober. I almost kind of felt like I needed a girlfriend. Like, I needed somebody there to be happy.

When I thought there was a problem with my shitty girl, my shitty ex-girlfriend, I would say to her, like, “Is there a problem?” And rather than her, you know, talk me through it and be like, “No, everything’s good,” she literally said to me, like, “Oh my God, you’re so annoying. Why do you think there’s always an issue?”

But when I was dating this other girl, you know, I would say things like that to her, like, you know, “Are we good? Like, is everything okay?” And she was much sweeter about it. She was like, “Yeah, everything’s good. Like, I always want you to tell me, you know, when you’re feeling this way, and we can work through it.” So, having someone there that can, I guess, support you helps.

With that being said, I think it also took a toll on her. Like, I don’t want to say on her mental health, but, you know, almost feeling like she had to be my therapist. Whenever I had an issue, we would talk it out, but it’s like she had her own [censored] going on.

I didn’t think, you know, I was the type of person to see a therapist, but that’s because I wasn’t aware of, you know, what was really going on. I, I kind of thought therapy was for people that, like, you know, they couldn’t leave the house or they couldn’t do, you know, be comfortable in social settings or… [It] just felt so nice to just talk to somebody, and talk to somebody that I didn’t feel, uh, like, knew me on a personal level.

Thankfully, I don’t get panic attacks, like, too, too often. I know some people get them very, very bad. I’ve had them before, and, like, it literally feels like you can’t catch your breath, and you, you literally feel like it’s the end of the world. Like, like nothing can stop how awful you feel.

But even anxiety in general, it’s literally just, like, crazy thoughts of, like, like the most ridiculous, illogical thoughts you could possibly think of. Like, an example is something as simple as, like, even texting somebody. If you send, like, an emoji and they’ll send an emoji back, that’s what anxiety does. It makes you think, like, “Why wouldn’t they send me a smiley face back? Like, are they not happy right now? Are they upset with me?”

And it sounds crazy to, you know, I guess the average person or someone that isn’t in the moment, but if, if you feel that way, if you’re anxious about that specific thing or, or whatever, whatever the issue is, it, like, your thoughts make you believe [censored] that’s just so out of whack, but it’s, to you, it’s true. It’s like a, it’s like an alternate reality. It’s like it’s, it’s so real to you that no matter what your friends say, you still don’t believe them.

A lot of times, like, the person that you’re with almost feels like it’s their fault as well, you know? It’s like, “Well, why are you depressed? Is it because of me?” And it’s like, “No,” but it’s very hard for someone that’s not going through it to understand that. So, I think it takes a strain on both people, both the person that, you know, has the mental health issue and the person that is trying to help their partner through it.

If you don’t talk about it, nobody could help you. And truthfully, you could become your own biggest enemy. You almost feel like, you know, people won’t get it. So, rather than trying to work through it, you try to just tell yourself you’ll be fine or, “Oh, I could just deal with it.” And that’s not, that’s not good either. If you have a cut in your hand, you don’t just leave it. You know, you put a [Band-Aid] on it, you put [Polysporin] on it, you see a doctor if you need stitches. Like, it’s no different with your mental health.

About Our Stories

Our Stories is a 10-part documentary series from URevolution. In each episode, one person talks about their own mental health in their own words. See all episodes, transcripts and support resources.

If you need support, find free helplines in Canada, the US, Australia and elsewhere.

Credits