Originally released 2020
In Episode 6 of Our Stories, Charis talks about living with an eating disorder: how it started, how it grew, telling family straight away, and joining an eating disorder recovery program in Winnipeg.
Watch Episode 6 on YouTube · See all episodes of Our Stories
Transcript
This transcript is lightly edited for reading: punctuation added, and “uh” and “um” removed where the meaning is unchanged. Words in [square brackets] are editorial, and [inaudible] marks words that could not be made out. In line with media guidance on eating disorders, one passage describing purging methods has been left out and is marked.
University is when I purged for the first time, but I didn’t think it was a big deal. I ate too much pizza, and I felt gross, so I threw part of it up to feel a little bit better. All of my behaviour ever since puberty has been some form of restriction, seeking control with food, and demonizing it. Because that’s how everyone lives their life, is with demonizing food and having treat days and saying, “Oh, I made such good choices,” “Oh, I made such bad choices,” and, and giving things all that power and weight over you, when it’s just nutrients.
I had to leave my counsellor, and at that time what we, and him and I mostly worked on was my self-talk. And I was obsessed with, with trying to be perfect, and wanting to always be perfect, and feel like that I would never [be] able to be perfect, and then, like, changing what words mean in my head.
And my parents knew how low and sad I was, and they’re like, “Move. We’ll move you back to Winnipeg. We’ll pay for you. You don’t have to work for a long time. We’ll just… we want to take care of you.” It was okay for the first year. I mean, like, I still was restricting. That’s what you, you do to try to be physically worthy, essentially. And I felt that if I was physically worthy in the eyes [of] things and people that don’t want me, then that would give me validation and, and worth, and be enough.
And then I had a really, really, really awful heartbreak, and to cope with it, I, it’s just, purged. I have all of these intense, intense, like, feelings that I just couldn’t get rid of, and the only time that I would ever get a little bit of peace from it was throwing up. And I would, I would get [inaudible] crazy, crazy tunnel vision, and that, like, I would sit at my desk at work and think of that, that, like… and just, and could not think about anything else. And now, in, in hindsight, that’s a different version of a panic attack.
And then that, that led into bingeing and purging. You physically can’t stop your hand to mouth. Like, you, you can’t stop it. It’s, it’s, it [sounds] like it’s so, something so trivial that you can just, just don’t do it. That’s, or it’s like saying, “Just, just don’t be sad,” like, or, “Just don’t stress.”
The very first time that it happened, I called my mom right away, and I said, “Mom, this is exactly what happened. I don’t want this to be a thing. I don’t want it to be a thing, and I have a feeling that it’s going to be a thing. But if I tell you about it right away, then it’s not a dirty secret, and if it’s not a dirty secret, then maybe, maybe I have some hope to combat it.”
And so that got really regular, and it got to the point where [description of purging methods omitted]. I was building up such a tolerance, and I would get so aggressive with it that I cut my esophagus a couple times, and then throwing up blood is terrifying.
My mom does research about lots of things, and she goes, “[Charis], I found this program, and that you should join it.” And it’s a, it’s an eating disorder recovery program that’s run through the Women’s Health Clinic in Winnipeg, and it’s, it’s provincially funded, and it’s not a whole lot of funding, and it’s, like, a year-and-a-half-long wait list, but I got in.
It’s really interesting to have a room full of women who think the exact same way that you do, all these obsessions about food, and you realize that it’s just a, it’s a thing that women are taught. But it’s learning, learning that feeling full isn’t a bad thing, that feeling empty and hungry isn’t a good thing, and glorifying how little someone ate in a day isn’t something to brag about.
There’s good days and bad days. Like, I, I had a snack for the first time, like, last week, and I didn’t want to throw up before, during or after I had a snack, and I didn’t want to freak out. And that was just, that was new. And that feels like, that’s such a weird thing to be so proud of, but I, I am. And I was… I can let things go a lot easier than before, and, and that’s where I’m at right now.
About Our Stories
Our Stories is a 10-part documentary series from URevolution. In each episode, one person talks about their own mental health in their own words. See all episodes, transcripts and support resources.
If you need support, find free helplines in Canada, the US, Australia and elsewhere.
Credits
| Role | Name |
|---|---|
| Director and editor | Kelly Paoli |
| Cinematography | Jonathan Choi |
| Original score | Milen Petzelt-Sorace |
| Executive producers | Brendan McDonald and Corinne Gray |
| Produced by | URevolution |
