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Infertility and endometriosis

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Talking about infertility and endometriosis: a water-paint graphic illustration of a woman with her eyes open cupping her womb. Behind her is a shadow of herself cupping the womb from above.
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Β©Agnieszka SozaΕ„ska /Β BehanceΒ Creative Commons

I’m not bitter talking about infertility and endometriosis

A 28 year old woman explores the emotions of attending a baby shower while dealing with infertility, endometriosis and IVF treatment.


β€œAre you sure you actually want to have a baby? I haven’t slept in days! They never stop crying.”

Yeah, I would too if I was your child. Just one of the many inner thoughts I keep to myself as hold back an eye roll. I force a smile, β€œHa, you’re right! Maybe I haven’t thought it all the way through.” What I really want to say is β€˜fuck off’ but I turn around and scan through the pastel dressed party guests for the cocktail table.

Why did I even come to this god forsaken baby shower? I sip my β€˜Blood Orange you glad it’s a boy!’ mimosa as I slide open the patio door and take a seat. I know I’m annoyed because part of me wishes it was me. I can’t believe I thought it would be easy to have a baby. Easy to get pregnant. Easy as essentially everyone around me makes it seem. I would be 4 months pregnant if my second frozen embryo transfer had stuck. But it didn’t. Now my husband and I are back to square one.

Talking about infertility and endometriosis amidst the nightmare that is a baby shower!CLICK TO TWEET

IVF round two is on the horizon. I can’t wait but I’m also terrified. My eyes well up with tears, as they usually do when my mind wanders down this road. I knew today would be hard but then again, every day is hard. My mind finds it’s way here at least four times a day.

I cringe, shake my head, and bring myself back to this current baby shower nightmare. I walk back inside and lose myself in a β€˜Baby Bump’ slider.

I will truly never understand why people want to have a baby shower. Even if I was pregnant, I would avoid one at all costs. It sounds dreadful. Not only are the games the absolute worst, but all the β€˜Boy’, β€˜Girl’, β€˜Prince’, β€˜Princess’, β€˜Blue’, β€˜Pink’ nonsense is too much. If people want to help and get a gift, then great. Ship it to me. Or bring it with you if we’re already hanging out. Don’t wait for some lame party. The only thing I appreciate is the puns. I mean, β€˜Blood orange you glad it’s a boy!’ mimosa? Damn, that’s good. I’m a sucker for a pun. And blood orange anything.

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Read more:Β How to cope with infertility when everyone is pregnant?

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This is my first baby shower since I found out that I’m infertile. At 28 years old. Well, I guess I’m not β€˜infertile’. I have stage 4Β endometriosis that went undiagnosedΒ for 15 years. It spread through my reproductive system, severelyΒ impacting my ovariesΒ and egg quality. I’ve had to have 2 extensive surgeries to help β€˜fix’ the unfixable and remove unsalvageable organs. So, I’d like to take a moment to truly thank all theΒ doctors and OBGYNs out there for not believing in me. You never gave up. No matter how much agony I was in, you just kept prescribing stronger β€˜pain medicine’ instead of identifying the source. I truly wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you and your complete lack of understanding the female body.

Dramatics aside, I really don’t want to be bitter. This is my journey to growing my family. Every person has their own, and this is mine. It’s just taking a lot fucking longer and costs a ton more money but whatever, at least I have options. I have privilege to be able to choose where to go from here.

And for some reason I’ve chosen to be at this fucking baby shower? Maybe I turned into a masochist these past 2 years, who knows. But I like who I’ve become. It’s interesting experiencing all these things through a new lens. It’s something I want to share because I’ve never read stories about infertility. I always thought it described the 45-year-old that wants to conceive. Not the person that’s had several unexplained miscarriages, the perfectly healthy family that’s been trying for 2 years, or the 28-year-old whose pain has been mis labeled as β€˜normal’ her entire life. There are numerous stories out there that I don’t know. So, let’s start fucking talking about it.

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Article by
Leslie K

Leslie KP is currently hard at work writing and sharing about her new life experiences while undergoing IVF and coping with infertility.

Caption:

"I’d like to take a moment to truly thank all the doctors and OBGYNs out there for not believing in me. You never gave up. No matter how much agony I was in, you just kept prescribing stronger β€˜pain medicine’ instead of identifying the source."

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