Funny Responses to "How Are You?" and Other Mundane Greetings
“Hello, how are you?”
“Fine.”
There it is. Possibly the most automatic exchange in the English language.
Sometimes “Fine” is exactly the answer you want to give. Sometimes it’s boring. And sometimes “How are you?” is a surprisingly complicated question, especially for those of us living with a chronic illness (or three, in my case!).
Most people asking “How are you?” aren’t requesting a detailed status report on your physical health, mental health, work, relationships and general ability to tolerate humanity. They’re making small talk.
So if you’d rather give them something other than another “Fine,” here are some funny, witty and sarcastic responses you can use in person or over text.
What to say instead of “Fine”
“Somewhere between better and best.”
“Better now that you asked.”
“Much better now that you’re here.”
“I was fine until you asked.”
“Good enough.”
“Average. Not terrific, not terrible. Just average.”
“So far, so good.”
“I’m a [insert number here] out of 10.”
Give them a decimal if you really want to make things uncomfortable.
“I hear good things, but you should never listen to rumours.”
“Armed and ready!”
Ready for what? Nobody needs to know.
“My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question.”
“I’d rather be sleeping.”
Some answers require no explanation. If this one has basically become your personal philosophy, there is also an I’d Rather Be Sleeping mug.
“Can’t complain. Nobody listens anyway.”
There’s a slightly less funny side to that line when you’re dealing with chronic illness and people genuinely don’t believe what you’re telling them. We’ve written separately about what to do when people don’t believe you’re sick.
“Nothing much.”
Yes, it’s the wrong answer. That’s why it works.
“I’m as happy as a tick on a big, fat dog.”
Oddly specific. Difficult to argue with.
“Nice and dandy, like cotton candy.”
Does it make sense? Barely. Does it rhyme? Absolutely.
Funny and sarcastic responses to “How are you?”
Some of these need the right audience. Sarcasm that works with your best friend can sound spectacularly hostile when delivered to a new colleague at 8:30 on a Monday morning.
Use your judgement.
“Like you, but better.”
“If I were any better, I’d be illegal.”
“If I were doing any better, I’d hire you to enjoy it with me.”
“Oh, stop it, you.”
Say it as though “How are you?” was an extravagant compliment.
“I love you.”
Useful if your main objective is to derail the conversation immediately.
“Do you really care?”
Best delivered with a smile unless you’re actively trying to start something.
“What do you want?”
Again: know your audience.
“How dare you!”
No context required.
“At minding my own business? Better than most people.”
“I don’t know. You tell me. How am I right now?”
“Not so well. Does that bother you?”
“Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to find out.”
“Overworked and underpaid.”
A classic for a reason.
“I can’t complain. It’s against company policy.”
“Well, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet and no one has gotten hurt, so I’d say so far, so good.”
“Like a pit bull in a butcher shop.”
Or substitute whatever unnecessarily dramatic metaphor feels appropriate.
“Life’s a turbulent wave, my friend.”
Nothing improves casual small talk like surprise oceanography.
“Quite how, thank you.”
It makes no sense. Commit to it.
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m just silently panicking.”
Sometimes awkward honesty does most of the work.
When “How are you?” is a complicated question
The strange thing about “How are you?” is that we use it both as a genuine question and as a greeting where the expected answer is basically “Fine, thanks.”
Those aren’t always the same conversation.
That becomes particularly obvious when illness, disability or mental health makes the honest answer longer or more complicated than the person asking probably expected.
You don’t owe everyone a complete explanation of how you’re doing. You also don’t have to default to “Fine” every time. Sometimes a joke is simply a more interesting answer.
And if the conversation does need to become more serious, that’s a different skill entirely. Our guide to starting an awkward conversation deals with that side of things.
More funny replies for awkward small talk
If “How are you?” isn’t the only conversational ritual you’d like to interfere with, try these next:
Funny Reply to “Nice to Meet You”: Best Witty Responses
Funny Responses to “What Do You Do for a Living?”
About Brendan McDonald
Brendan McDonald co-founded URevolution in 2018. He is a disabled Australian living with chronic illness, he previously worked in UN humanitarian and emergency-management roles.
