Funny responses to 'How Are You?' - inject humor into routine conversations

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Tired of giving the same old 'fine' response to 'How are you?' Inject some humor into your conversations with these funny and witty answers. From sarcastic comebacks to absurd metaphors, find hilarious ways to liven up those mundane interactions.

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"By embracing wit and humor in our answers to 'How are you?', we not only uplift our own spirits but also create a ripple effect of joy, spreading laughter and lightness to those around us." |  ©GiuseppeElioCammarat/Adobe Stock

Funny responses to How Are You?

"Laughter is the medicine that heals the soul, and funny responses to 'How are you?' are the perfect prescription for a healthy dose of joy in our everyday interactions."

The best sarcastic funny responses to "How Are You?"


“Hello, how are you?”


Answering "Fine" to the standard greeting question of “How are you?” is such a boring conversation killer. In reality, "How are you?" could be more than just a simple question—it could be an excellent way to start an interesting conversation about how you are really feeling! And this is especially true for those of us living with a chronic illness (or three in my case!)

But let's be real here; most people don't actually want an honest answer when they ask how you are. They're just looking for the socially acceptable "I'm fine." So why not inject some humor and spice into these often mundane interactions by responding with a quirky, unexpected response?  Here are some funny things to say when asked, “How are you?”

What to say instead of "Fine"

So what do you say instead of "Fine" when someone asks you: “How are you?”

“Somewhere between better and best.”

     Ah, the sweet spot of mediocrity. It's like being stuck in the middle seat of life.

“Better now that you asked.”
     Because clearly, my entire existence hinges on your interest in my well-being.

“Oh, stop it, you.” (Say it like you're receiving a compliment even though you are not. LOL
     Yes, please shower me with praise for simply existing. It's the ego boost I never knew I needed.

“I love you.:” (This is a good response to flusters and catches them off-guard.) 
     Hey, if they're going to ask a loaded question, they better be prepared for an unexpected response.

“Much better now that you are here.”
     Ah, yes, the magical healing powers of your presence. You should market that.

“At minding my own business? Better than most people.”
     I've mastered the fine art of indifference. It's a valuable skill in a world full of busybodies.

“I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat dog.”
     Because what brings more joy than a blood-sucking parasite? Oh, the bliss!

“Do you really care?” 
     Let's cut to the chase. Are you genuinely interested, or are we just going through the motions here? Make sure you say this with a wry, snarky smile.

“Armed and ready!”
     Ready for what, you s sk? Well, who knows! But I'll be damned if I'm not prepared for it.

“My lawyer says I don't have to answer that question.”
     Legal counsel on standby for the most mundane inquiries. It's good to be prepared for any potential litigation.

“What do you want?" (Hahaha. This might come across as rude, so use it with caution.) 
     Because nothing says "friendly conversation," like responding with suspicion and defensiveness.

“I've been going through some crests and troughs in my life. Is everything stable on your end?”

“Life's a turbulent wave, my friend.”

     Let's bring some oceanography into the mix.

“Like you, but better.”

     I see your "How are you?" and raise you a dose of superiority. It's all in good fun, of course.

“I could really go for a massage.”

     Ah, the eternal craving for some kneading of the muscles. Can't we all?

“I'm a [insert number here] out of 10.” 
     Because what better way to quantify my well-being than with a numerical rating? Let's break it down to decimals, too, just for accuracy's sake.

“I was fine until you asked.”

     Well, now that you mention it, you've completely ruined my delicate equilibrium. Thanks for that.

“If I were doing any better, I'd hire you to enjoy it with me.”
     You see, I'm doing so exceptionally well that I require professional companionship to fully appreciate it. Interested?

“I hear good things, but you should never listen to rumors.”
     Ah, the grapevine of gossip. It's a treacherous path, my friend. Proceed with caution.

“Like a pit bull in a butcher shop” [or any other outrageous metaphor]. 
     Picture this: a whirlwind of emotions contained within the chaotic scene of a carnivorous paradise. Yep, that's me.

“As fine as a maiden's flaxen hair.”
     Because nothing says "fine" like a fair maiden's golden locks. It's the epitome of perfection, really.

Funny ways to respond to "How Are You?"

So here are some sarcastic, funny ways to respond to the question: “How are you?”

“Overworked and underpaid.”
     Ah, the eternal anthem of the modern workforce. We're all just cogs in the machine, my friend.

"Nothing much." (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) 
     Ah, the beauty of embracing the mundane. Sometimes, there's comfort in acknowledging the sheer lack of excitement in our lives.

“I don't know, you tell me. How am I right now?” 
     Because who needs self-awareness when you can rely on others to define your current state of being?

“Can't complain. Nobody listens anyway.”
     Ahh, the bitter truth of existence. We could shout our grievances from the mountaintops, but who's really listening? After all, what to do when people don't believe you're sick?

Good enough.” (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) 
     Ah, the epitome of mediocrity. Not great, not terrible, just floating along in the sea of averageness.

“If I were any better, I'd be you.”
     A playful twist on the classic response. It's a subtle way of saying, "I'm doing better than you, but let's not make it too obvious."

“Quite how, thank you.”(This makes no sense, but it's funny.) 
     Because sometimes, the most nonsensical responses are the ones that elicit the most laughter. Embrace the absurdity!

“Not so well, does that bother you?”
     Oh, the power of passive-aggression. Throw a little guilt into the mix and watch them squirm.

"Injecting humor into our 'How are you?' responses is like adding a sprinkle of laughter to life's everyday recipe—a delightful blend that nourishes the soul and spreads smiles along the way."

“Nice and dandy, like cotton candy.” (Dandy rhymes with cotton candy!) 
     Because there's nothing quite like comparing your well-being to a delightful confectionary treat. Sweetness all around.

“I can't complain! It's against the Company Policy.”
     Ah, the shackles of corporate rules and regulations. Complaining is strictly prohibited, so we must find other creative outlets.

“Average. Not terrific, not terrible, just average.”
     Ah, the comfortable embrace of mediocrity. No highs, no lows, just coasting along the middle ground.

“If I were any better, I'd be illegal.”
     The level of awesomeness I'm experiencing should probably be illegal. It's just that good.

“So far, so good!”
     Because let's face it, life is a series of moments, and for now, things are going relatively smoothly. Let's hope it lasts.

“How dare you!” (If you don't have an immediate reply in mind, just say this automatically. LOL
     Ah, the faux outrage. It's a surefire way to catch them off guard and inject a little humor into the conversation.

“Better now that I'm talking to you.” 
     Because clearly, the mere act of conversing with them has miraculously improved your well-being. It's all about the power of their presence.

“Well, I haven't had my morning coffee yet, and no one has gotten hurt, so I'd say so far, so good.”
     Ah, the wonders of caffeine and the absence of catastrophe. It's the recipe for a decent start to the day.

“Well... unless the weather has different plans in store.”
     Because, let's face it, the weather can be a fickle companion. It's always good to keep an eye on its whims.

“Maybe one day, you'll be lucky enough to find out.”
     Because your well-being is like a hidden treasure, a secret waiting to be uncovered. They'll just have to wait and see. 

All in good fun! Funny responses to How are you!

In the realm of funny responses to How are you, the possibilities are endless. Whether you choose to inject some wit, sarcasm, or absurdity into your answers, remember to keep it lighthearted and humorous. After all, life is too short to take these mundane awkward conversations too seriously. 

Article by
Brendan McDonald

Brendan McDonald, the author of "Funny responses to 'How Are You?' - inject humor into routine conversations," is a former humanitarian aid worker who’s lived and worked in Kosovo, North Korea, Sri Lanka, Libya, Jordan and Iraq. He’s experienced in information management and crisis communications, often in war-torn countries. Brendan has chronic myeloid leukaemia (CML), peripheral neuropathy, and bicuspid aortic valve disease (BAVD), amongst other medical conditions.