Trigger warning: sexual references, rape
I was raped as a child, and to my body, it can seem like I am being raped over and over again with the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I often deal with. So my psychosis and my PTSD combine into one giant dissociative, dreamy yet terrifying reality of... you guessed it. Alien rape.
©Katya Havok / Adobe Stock
“I AM BEING ATTACKED BY ALIENS ON A SPACESHIP!”
Under what context would this be an appropriate thing to say, you wonder? Maybe during an improv show? Maybe to give your friend a prank fright? Maybe because you’re on some type of drug like LSD.
Yeah. That is probably the most plausible answer.
But guess what!
I totally did not say this on LSD or with friends or on an improv show.
I don’t even do improv and I’ve only done acid… never (Okay, maybe like one time).
I said, (no, sorry),
this during… an orgasm.
A really good one.
I looked at my tall white ceiling. We were in my bedroom, on my pastel pink cotton sheets from Target. I stared at his gorgeous dreads and face. He was just so… fine.
A dreamy, tall, smooth black 6 foot something man with thick, long dreads that
complemented his slim face and slim body.
He serenaded me with his beautiful voice on my guitar right before this.
And oh, his voice, how it caressed my ears.
He wore artsy shirts with paisley designs.
Yeah. That’s my kind of thing.
And he could fuck.
I mean really do it.
We were like two puzzle pieces joined together.
Our bodies were perfect for each other.
I came with just penetration (some women can do that. I am lucky in that sense).
He complemented every angle on my body, in the ways you know exactly how I mean.
But you see, when you have a psychotic disorder (like me), you tend to misinterpret reality for um, let’s say, different things when you have really strong emotions.
Neurotypical people might scream, “YES BABY, MORE MORE!” which I sometimes do too. Or they might say I love you. Stuff like that.
Having schizophrenia, sometimes I hallucinate. I see sparks and flowers right after good sex.
I hear little pretty fairies talking to me whispering in my ear, giggling about the hot guy that just fucked me. They make me sing, because I hear music. So I do.
Those are the fun anecdotes. But it also gets really dark. And sorry to move in the storm clouds, but it
needs to rain a little more ways than one here.
I was raped as a child, and to my body, it can seem like I am being raped over and over again with the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I often deal with.
So my psychosis and my PTSD combine into one giant dissociative, dreamy yet terrifying reality of… you guessed it. Alien rape.
He stops and holds me.
“Sarah, do you think there is a possibility that this is not real?”
“No, but the aliens, see, the aliens! They’re there. They’re here right now. I think I’ve been on this spaceship before. They’re the blonde ones this time. And they used to visit me when I was a child. They worked for the US government. They are with me now!”
“Shhhh, Sarah, you’re fine. It’s okay.”
He strokes my hair and face until I calm down.
It takes me about ten minutes, but I calm down. Then I say,
“What the fuck just happened. Was I just talking about being kidnapped by aliens?”
“Yep, he says. It’s okay,”
He moves me to the bathroom and we shower together. “Let’s do this again.”
He brings in my guitar into the bathroom and we are naked together as he serenades me some more under the warm moisture of the foggy bathroom mirrors.
After I feel comforted, and we forget about it.
I learn one thing about myself during this experience.
I choose some damn good partners to have alien sex with.
And if you need to scream about that, you better find someone to hold you and respect that too.
In the U.S. anyone affected by sexual assault, whether it happened to you or someone you care about, can find support on the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. You can also visit online.rainn.org to receive support via confidential online chat.